Wednesday, May 11, 2011

10 ways to improve the new Thor movie

1. Action, action, action!! Nobody read the comics about the Norse God of Thunder and his magic hammer for it's wit. Thor is a warrior. Let him war.
2. Listen, writers, if your dad didn't give you enough hugs as a child, the inanely contrived father/son dischord plot thread throughout this film ain't gonna change him. Hug your own kid. Don't make us sit through 90 min. of "Loki's Special."
3. Loose, Hawkeye, loose! (you pussbag.)
4. Beta-Ray Bill.
5. Frost Giants Invade New Mexico!! That's what Loki should have done, convince the Frost Giants to invade Midgarde. So much cooler (ha!) to see the NM desert covered in ice from the invading Frost Giants. Imagine the strange beauty of frosted mesas, cacti, and drug mules frozen while sneaking over the border.
6. More axes! Somebody has to be cleaved in 'twain by an ax, by Odin. Or have their head smashed in by Thor's Hammer. Oh, is that too graphic for the children? They can either pay $10 to see it in your movie or hang around afterschool and see it for free.
7. Set the whole thing in Norway, have everyone speak old Norwegian. And have the sun never set, and Thor can't sleep as he tries to track the murderer of a local girl. And maybe there's a vampire traveling in a casket with a young boy.
8. Cast Simon Pegg as Dr. Donald Blake/Thor, Nick Frost as Jane Foster, and add zombies.
9. Nix the love story. For Odin's sake, there's no need to waste time barely developing a shadow of a romance between Thor and a human. Thor love Mjolnir. 'Nuff said.
1o. Build a Time Machine, go back in time 3 days, don't watch Thor.

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